Countdown to SOAR!

I'm am:

nervous
scared
excited
anxious
enthusiastic
trying to relax

did I mention nervous and excited!

Tomorrow...sometime, (the counter is to your left) the announcement of the SOAR! scholarship winners will be given.  Three lucky, and very worthy women's lives will change tomorrow.  I have been watching many of the video entries, and let me tell you....the competition is strong.  They all have a dream, very similar to mine, and the talent to stand behind it.   I'm so thankfull I'm not the one choosing the winners.  Where would I even start.

I can only hope and pray I am one of the three chosen.  I promise to use this gift to my fullest ability and learn all I can in the next year.

I went to a womens circle last night that I have been attending.  It was a small group, only four of us, and only one woman I did not know.  I'm usually quiet and sit and listen, it's my quiet time, away from the kids, the noise, the TV, and computer.  I love to hear the stories being shared and learn quietly from them what pertains to my life as it is.  Last nights discussion was on your hearts desires.    Perfecting your hearts desire and knowing that they come from a divine place, and not always in the form YOU think they should.

I know what I want, I know I was given a gift, that I have to use.  Photography for me is like air.  I have to have it.  There is so much "crap" in the world most of the time, and photos, to me, show that there is still good, there is beauty in everything.  I have learned to look at the world thou my viewfinder.  Everything is a photograph to me.

I have found my style.  It's a little vintage, a little rustic, emotional, RAW, and sometimes really girly....(although I am not.)  I look at a rundown decrepit building and see a perfect backdrop.  The more pealing paint the better.  The rustier the car/ truck/ building the better.  Then throw in a gorgeous woman in a beautiful vintage dress....ahhh......I'm in my own piece of heaven.  My favorite expression when I photograph is when I tell them to be still.  Something usually happens with the eyes, and there is more emotion in those two eyes than in one giant smile.

I love finding the beauty in every day things.  Emotion in a face you never knew was there.  Even pain in the eyes...it's real, it's honest.   I love giving people the gift of a photograph, to cherish forever and be past down from generation to the next.  I love finding the beauty in everyone, that some didn't even know they owned, or they think the few extra pounds we all have, has covered it up.  

While listening to the other women in the circle last night, my hearts desire shifted, just a bit.  It used to be "just" taking pictures, and making my living doing so. I know I need to photograph, that was always clear.  I have enjoyed creating these boudoir nights and see what it is turning into, and the reaction on peoples faces when they see themselves.  I get so excited, not because it's me, and I love the compliments, (I'll admit it is a bonus, but not the driving force.)  But because in some strange way that photograph, the way I saw it at that moment seems to have an effect on this persons life.  It changes THEM.

I have spent so much of my life hating my looks, my height, my hair, and the list can continue, and now, by doing something I love, not only am I giving someone else a gift, but also healing myself.   I want to give the women the gift of loving themselves at this moment, for who they are, and where they have been, and where they will go through my photographs.  For the few extra pounds that says "I'm a REAL woman, I have faults and I have flaws, but I'm still sexy, beautiful, sensual, attractive...whatever "their" sexy is...hence the name of these events, "What's Your Sexy?"  I want to continue to grow the business and find ways to reach my goals.

I hope with Me Ra's help, my goals will be reached sooner, and probably better than I can on my own, but even if I am not chosen, I learned  a lot from the experience.  I learned I'm not alone, there is an entire network of women out there who want the same things as I do.  Their dreams are real, and worthy, and they deserve it as much as I do.  I also learned that my hearts desire is strong enough, that no matter what, or how many years and struggles I face, I WILL do this...somehow,  because I have to.   I have to do it for my girls, and for myself.  Someone once told me I could never make any money taking pictures.  I've already proved them wrong, now I need to take it one step further.  I need to succeed not only for myself, but for the women I will touch with my lens.

I'm not conceding just yet,  I'm holing out for divine power to take over and give me my dreams.  Then I'm going to run with it and fly...or SOAR!  (depending on how tomorrow goes)